What is Divorce Coaching and how do I know if it’s right for me?

One of the most important things in the early stages of separation or divorce is to set up your personal support network. Most people immediately identify they need a lawyer and also feel emotionally overwhelmed and so reach out to friends, family and sometimes a therapist. These are key support people and can help deal with the practical and emotional issues people face. In addition, people are increasingly turning to Coaches during divorce and separation.

Divorce Coaching is a relatively recent development in divorce/separation support, and is increasingly utilised, and valued, by lawyers and their clients. So what is divorce coaching, what can you expect, what will it deliver and is it right for you?  

What to expect from Coaching  

First, let’s look at coaching in general. When you're working with a good coach you should expect that they bring no personal agenda. They should:

• only be interested in your agenda, your goals and what you want to achieve

• be non-judgmental and have bold yet gentle compassion as they support you

• be a powerful sounding board to help you un-ravel the complications in your mind and heart, leading to clarity, confidence and motivation to move forward

• inspire your future self, helping to infuse excitement and possibility into the next stage of your life

• act as an accountability partner, somebody that you're coming back to with the action steps you took (or didn't take!), making sure that you get things done, and that you actually move forward and achieve your goals

So what does that look like when going through separation or divorce?

Confusion and uncertainty run wild, often alongside negative emotions such as anger and bitterness, and they can often mask another emotion - fear. Coaching can help you to get clarity on what you want, what’s important to you, what's keeping you stuck in one place, and help you make the right decisions for the right reasons. Often, we think what's keeping us stuck is something outside of ourselves, and yet, more often than not, it’s something within ourselves that is holding us back. Using simple but powerful questions a Coach will help you begin to explore your inner world and learn more about yourself than you may have ever known, how you tick and why and how to make the shifts and adjustments that you need to gain that clarity and confidence to achieve what you want. If there was one word people use after working with a coach during divorce/separation, it's empowered. Empowered because you're taking control of your life, your thoughts, your emotions, your reactions, your behaviours and your future.

 What coaching provides

Coaching helps to identify the key things that may need working on in our inner world such as unconscious limiting beliefs that often drive our behaviour, our actions and reactions, and our decisions. With a powerful sounding board of a good coach, you begin to notice and let go of these limiting beliefs, the ones that don't serve you and that are driving outcomes you no longer want. Examples of limiting beliefs are I'm not good with numbers, and so he or she will crush me in the negotiations, or they will always get away with harming me or controlling me, or I'm too old for new love. These beliefs don't benefit you - and often they're not true!  A Coach will help you shine a light on them and support you in replacing them with new beliefs that will empower you to achieve the life that you want.

Along with unconscious limiting beliefs, come unconscious behaviours. These can manifest as people pleasing, or conflict avoidance, or a need to control situations and people, or struggling with unforgiveness, or a tendency to judge people or being easily triggered, and, most commonly, anger. All of these and many other behaviours we may not be fully aware of (or want to admit!) can become magnified in the pressure of separation and divorce and can damage relationships with children, family and friends. But if you see this as an opportunity to really understand yourself and are brave enough to admit where there is room for improvement, it can enhance your understanding of yourself, your coping mechanisms and enhance your current and future relationships.

Where coaching during divorce/separation really excels is implementing strategic solutions and ongoing action plans and feedback loops that enable you to create new, healthier behaviours and habits and to be more conscious of your role in every challenge that you face. Coaching provides the tools, strategies or skills to change what you want to change, and accountability to make sure you do the work so, when you face current or new situations, that change sticks.

Coaching leaves you with an action plan: to take this small step, to notice this thing, to behave differently in this situation. You have an action plan to implement between sessions, which really helps move you forward very quickly and feel more empowered as you take control of the situation in a new and better way.

Another area that a divorce coach might work on is the power of acceptance. If you look at what you resist, you will find where you're stuck. There is a saying “what we resist persists”. You will be invited to notice resistance and to let it go. What if you accepted how the other person behaved or accepted where you are, financially, socially or romantically, what if you completely accepted it, rather than resisting it, wishing it wasn't so? When clients step into acceptance, there's a change that shifts them into action around what they want. The power of acceptance is it invites choice and change. When we're in resistance, we don't see choices because we just want things to be different. When we accept that it is what it is, and we step into our power, we then see choices and can make changes.

Coaching will also help you if you get stuck in your comfort zone. You may have a plan but not implement it, and that's usually because you're coming up against the limits of your comfort zone and you feel nervous to explore or accept stepping out of it. You're aware you just need to act, but that's scary. Sometimes you need to leap into the uncomfortable and the unknown on the other side of your comfort zone. Coaching will take you to the limits of your comfort zone and, after examining your beliefs and resistance, help you step over these limits to take action and achieve your goals. As humans, we all have difficulty with this. Coaches are alongside you to support, encourage, and ultimately celebrate you as you push through your comfort zone to attain the life you want.

“Action creates change”, and coaching is all about taking action. Small steps are the best way to begin, with support to break down barriers and gently move you toward the change you want. For instance, if you're in the early stages of divorce, hiring a lawyer is scary, and it’s important to find one that fits with your values. Listening to a podcast about hiring a lawyer, understanding your own values, gathering your unique questions with your coach and preparing how to discuss your situation with your lawyer can all help you choose the right lawyer for you.

If you’re struggling with keeping emotions under control, or with how to move forward and become excited about your next chapter, these are topics that a coach can help you to navigate more effectively and successfully than you're going to do on your own.

What to look for in a Coach

So what do you look for in a coach? Most important of all is style and approach, and whether they will be a good fit for you. There's a huge difference between mentoring and coaching. Mentoring is telling you what to do based on what I did or know, coaching is trusting that you have all of the answers inside of you. A coach stands alongside you to explore your inner and outer world, helping you develop and improve your mindset to find your unique solutions each step of the way A Coach will provide information, guidance, tools and accountability and a compassionate but strong sounding board to support you to make the best decisions for you, and those close to you, through and beyond your current situation.

Then there's specialty. So for instance, you might have someone who says “I can help you through your divorce”, “I'm a transition coach”, or “I'm a life coach”. A Divorce coach will have significantly more experience with all aspects of your journey.  While a coach is helping you come up with your answers, somebody who is a specialist can give you valuable information to help you make the kinds of lifelong decisions that you have to make through separation and divorce.

Then there's training and lived experience. Not all coaches are equal and they will have different training and background. Many people who have been through separation and divorce have had such a big transformation that they want to help others and become a mentor, but do not really have the skill of coaching.

If you're going to invest in a coach to support you, you might want to ask about their background and their training. You should have an opportunity for at least a free consult, which includes some example of their coaching, and I would highly encourage you to ask them to coach you for at least 15 minutes to 30 minutes so you can experience their coaching and see if they are the right fit for you.

If you're curious about how coaching might help and support you, whatever stage of separation or divorce you're in, but you don't quite know where to turn why not schedule some free sessions with some coaches to see if it might be of benefit and to find who might be a good fit for you? There’s nothing to lose in asking the question.